What Am I?
by holchcatherine
Summary: Toga reminisces on the day when he met the man who changed his life, and what their future might hold.


Out of all the worldly pleasures this world offered, Toga's favorite before was just to work with Kaien and hear him speak. To hear the cadence, the rise and fall of his voice as he busied himself with the file in front of him. Kaien never looked up directly at him, unfortunately. But here they were so many years later, living in the same house and eating under the roof. It meant so much to Toga, who had loved and been rejected so many times, whose only chance at love had ended by his own hand as means of protection. His own wife, Juno, had been killed by him to protect Zero.

But Kaien.

The way he looked first thing in the morning, scrabbling for the glasses he really didn't need, the way his amber eyes looked unframed and unhidden from the world. And even then, those eyes we're the only ones that held his gaze evenly. Even Zero didn't look at him like that. At first, the younger hunter had shied away from that gaze, feeling vulnerable with Kaien's unrelenting gaze. But now he relished it. Because those eyes belonged to a person who knew him better than anyone.

And Kaien's heart was concealed by a body that he knew just as well, with a wily and sharp mind that was too keen to let any excuse go by unnoticed. It was good, that feature of Kaien, because that had saved Toga's life so many times.

Toga rolls over and traces the muzzle of his rifle, remembering that one fateful night.

...

...

 _"You're home late, Toga."_

 _The smell of pasta wafted through the small house they shared, and Toga wrinkled his nose as he sat in the chair already pulled out for him, watching Kaien cook. Normally, he enjoyed the marinara and noodles, but right now he didn't want to see anything red. Or food, for that matter. The case he had returned from was downright brutal - the extermination of a young brunette vampire. One thankfully too far gone to feel pain._

 _"I was busy." was the gruff reply he gave, noticing how Kaien's nose wrinkled at the smell of cigarette smoke, but he said nothing. That irked Toga for some reason. He wanted a reaction._

 _"I know you were, Toga. What happened?"_

 _Toga let his head hit the cluttered tabletop with a satisfying thud, enjoying how it felt for his vision to swim, trying to make out the pattern of the knots in the wood from too close up. God, he didn't want to cry. He wasn't going to, what kind of person would that make him? He was strong, he had disposed of his wife without even a second thought, so why would he cry over the death of a mere child? One he didn't even know?_

 _"Toga?"_

 _Toga stood up, knocking Kaien away as tears started up in his eyes. He knew exactly why he was about to start crying, and the reason why was even more painful, like shards of wood aimed at his heart. That girl had looked exactly like the daughter he thought he had lost so many years ago along with Junko. Jessica Marie Yagari. The same blue eyes, and curly brown hair, the skinny frame? Oh God, had he just killed his own child without knowing?_

 _The bile rose up in Toga's chest and he doubled over, not even having the emotional strength to move his head away from the plate Kaien still held in his hands. He was shivering and breathing hard, his mind overfilled with images throbbing against his mind and desperately searching for a way out._

 _"That was my daughter!" Toga cried out, standing up suddenly even as spots leapt in front of his eyes. He needed out. Now. The walls were closing around him. "She was the one on the list, and now she-"_

 _A hand appeared on his shoulder and he was pulled into a narrow chest, and he found himself staring at the frills on his boyfriend's apron. Toga took a few deep breaths, calming himself down some and ignoring for now the way Kaien patted his head like he was a cat. The way Kaien's fingernails scratched at his head as they gently teased the waves in his hair was actually kind of calming. As far as he knew, Kaien Cross was the only person who could calm him down like this._

 _Before, Toga would have balked at the idea of having a male in the house as anything more than just a friend, but as time had gone on, he had found the whole idea of it strangely entrancing. Strangely natural._

 _Almost perfect..._

 _"If you hadn't shown up in my life, Kaien, I don't know what I'd do without you." Toga muttered to the brunette sleeping beside him. They have just made love, and Kaien is asleep next to him, but slowly stirring. It is in these moments that Toga feels the calmest, the most in control of himself and his life. Kaien is, quite literally, his everything._

 _"What am I without you, Kaien?" He muttered as he stood up, getting dressed for the day so he can make breakfast before his lover/boyfriend wakes up. Do they really have any need for titles when all they want is just to be happy in each other's company?_

"Honestly. I'm nothing without you.."


End file.
